Proposal for lucrative reform of CCTV public feedback systems

The problem with the CaixaForum exhibition of video installations is that involuntary mass observation by camera means that our reality far exceeds the wildest dreams of Nam June Paik and his 60s mates. The problem with our CCTV world is that, after the initial thrill, it’s mostly pretty boring, which means that it is still a loss-mitigator rather than a revenue-generator. I plan to change this by the following means:

  1. Image analysis ware will be hooked up to CCTV on Barcelona’s metro, enabling integrated (ie multi-camera) object-based identification, analysis and management of images relating to individual customers.
  2. Star customers will be identified by the system using a trigger based on every nth ticket fed into the entrypoints to the metro. Or by trains leaving from platforms below. Whatever.
  3. Still and video images and text descriptions of star customers will be fed through to large screens facing the platforms.
  4. Using techniques familiar to aficionados of Dress Barbie-type enterprises, customers waiting on platforms and home audiences will bid by mobile to impose images of their choice on a particular virtual body-part of star customers. Stills and video will be updated automatically to reflect front-running bids.
  5. The system and various other Kalebeul enterprises will be financed by commission paid on all bids.
  6. Small graphs on the screens will track bidding volumes and prices, enabling normal customers unable to be present at the denouement to participate in a meaningful fashion.
  7. Bidding will be haulted automatically as star customers approach the platform, and successful bidders will be asked take their place on a small, mid-platform podium erected for the purpose.
  8. Star customers, prior to entering the platform, will be assaulted by Kalebeul employees, stripped naked, and dressed in a conglomerate costume best approximating to that specified by winning bidders.
  9. They will then enter the platform and, serenaded by scantily-clad Romanian accordeon players, leap onto the podium, where they will exchange embraces and–for an extra fee–mobile numbers with winning bidders.
  10. A module currently in alpha will be available for purchase which will identify suicide bombers and automatically assign them virtual Ragnarok costumes.

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