In the sentence it is considered to have been proven that [in the church of St James of the Sword, Andalusia during a funeral] Refugio MS [74] approached the other woman saying, “I’m going to have your cunt, I’m going to have your cunt,” at the same time pinching her with her hand in her genital zone, causing a vulvar contusion which took four days to heal… Refugio … is ordered to pay a fine of 90€ and damages of 108.48€ to the woman, an old rival.

Refugio’s fine was halved from 180€ in this appeal hearing, although it is not clear whether this was motivated by pity or fear. Eli Roth has bought the film rights to all threats issued by elderly Andalusians. Why didn’t the victim talk back, as they are known to do in Central American legend? I know of one 15th century case of a cunt talking back, but nothing of interest resulted, and now being a talking cunt in Spanish is undesirable though remarkable, rather like a dog that can play the violin.

Another version has the assault taking place in the funeral parlour of Beas de la Segura, which is not as hick as you might think:

(With the deepest of thanks to our foreign correspondent for story and neologism)

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