If the Guardian really cared about the North and manufacturing, it would never have left Manchester

You want constitutional reform for the UK? Kalebeul has something for everyone, except mad thieving bastards.

  1. First things first: Ryanair to fix up a service to get Polly Tuscany from Lancashire to her eco bear- and wolf-hunting meridional estates and then do a Phones4U on her
  2. The UK parliament to relocate to a well-fenced camp near Dunsop Bridge, Lancashire – think Pontins-le-Moors. (Why? Centrality, my dear: if you cut out the outline of mainland UK on a piece of card, it will balance if you pivot in on a point just outside Brennand Farm, near Dunsop Bridge.)
  3. In particularly hard winters it may transfer to the Laurel and Hardy museum in Ulverston.
  4. Looby, the drinking man’s Proust, to be parliamentary gigolo and bard, but he has to study Formby and forget all that freaking European shite, except the Chantilly undies.
  5. The Scottish, Greater London, and Northern Ireland saucières to be abolished. What have they ever done for us?
  6. Their budget and the proceeds from the sale of their palaces to be returned to les citoyens in fancy gift wrapping by catamites on camels.
  7. A series of regional assemblies composed of regional MPs from the UK parliament to meet on Wednesdays in pubs in beautiful Clitheroe.
  8. There will be more assemblies than pubs, but an establishment out on the Whalley road have said they will do a bilingual menu for the Cornish separatists.
  9. If a pub closes, so does the assembly.
  10. Demands by poorer regions for complete fiscal autonomy to be dealt with under the provisions of the Mental Health Act.
  11. Boris Johnson to be strung up by his knackers, but let’s get it right this time boys.
  12. Contacts with Brussels and other alien civilisations (far more advanced than we) to be restricted to Pendle Moor. What have they etc etc
  13. Release of films dealing with Our Glorious History or Mother Nature to be contingent on the clearly pronounced “Nihil obstat” of a collectivity of senior goats.
  14. Goats to be well fed.
  15. All and any dissidents to be dealt with by the dissidentist: “As I pull your tooth out, / I’ll sing this melody, / So every time you scream and shout / It sounds like harmony.” Musical accompaniment by the Darwen Band.
  16. The Chipping Ongar (Essex) railway has a diesel gala and beer festival tomorrow.

Edavenicknige & Scottish Fisheries, are you listening?

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Comments

  1. Marvellous — I accept my altered contract with glee.

    In the interests of improving the accuracy of information passed on after the interloctors have sank six pints of strong ale from Bowland Bridge Brewery, I note that Wikipedia points out that Brennand Farm is in fact the centroid of the United Kingdom including all its islands. Which will mean hours more with the scissors.

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