I’ll get it back, she said

How to kill yourself when you’ve already got Alzheimer’s (should you want to).

Didn’t think that Today would ever cause a tear to fall.

Though Alzheimer’s often eventually brings relief from the horrors of normal human intercourse, “comida acabada, amistad terminada” often also applies. And I think most of us would prefer to be remembered as the shambling wrecks we were pre-dementia.

I am absolutely in favour of drugs, but an alternative which I don’t think has been considered is a dead man’s handle, which generically kicks in when a simple mechanical test establishes that the engineer is incapacitated.

One implementation would be the implantation of a small explosive device in the back of your skull which is triggered when you fail to perform a simple, self-elected task (e.g. reciting the The Wreck of the Hesperus in a minute) on, let us say, three successive days (no hangover can be that bad).

On the other hand, the device could be set to explode a number of years after you note that you are failing.

On that third hand (which you artfully hid up your sleeve), the premium version (“Thai die”) would

  • preserve you;
  • kill off your money-grubbing sprogs;
  • put your assets into a trust which would acquire, manage and, when appropriate, terminate robotic SE Asian floozies carers;
  • when your course is run enable your spirit to escape through your nostrils.

Obviously this would not help the Swiss economy; the nanny state would be vehemently opposed (get a lawyer); and hackers would be a challenge. And I am sure that you will agree on reflection that it is far better to end your days gibbering in a pool of blood and mucous.

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