- Let’s rule out those who believe in Allah and other flying spaghetti monsters. You will cook for consumption by the two of us a gargantuan mixed grill including but not limited to bat, bear, beef, bird, camel, cat, cheese, chewing gum, crab, crocodile, dog, egg, fish, fungi, guinea pig, horse, human, insect, lettuce, monkey, offal, pork, poppy seed, rabbit, rat, snail, squirrel, turtle, vegetable and whale.
This will be accompanied by liberal quantities of alcohol, blood, coffee, tea and human breast milk.
We will then smoke roll-ups if fhat will cause discomfort in some such imaginary community.
After an appropriate wait, you will deposit the results over all known holy books.
- Now, following AS Byatt, let’s disqualify all the adepts of the new religions – those who posit their existence on, and source their morality from, social networks like Facebook and Twitter, and who tend to go postal when they realise it’s all a load of bollocks.
Someone will have to explain to me how to do this.
- I can see into the souls of flag-owners.
I have 2,000 Chinese pieces in stock which will instil fear into the wildest of foe and which I can provide to you from my stall in Ridley Road or at another mutually agreeable location. Scroll down for a sample image.
I may incorporate this list of madnesses at a later date.
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