Wilful mondegreens from the popular repertoire

Inspired by Rol’s Top Ten Mondegreens, of which my favourite is Bob Marley’s “We’d be together / With a roof rack over our head”:

A certain bass player has been known to tell the following:

Lionel Richie opens a butcher’s in Bradford, and when things are quiet he stands in the door of his shop and sings, “Halal! Is it meat you’re looking for?”

Ooooh, I thought, Bernard Manning in full 80s flight in his Nissen hut, but it seems to be the work of a British Muslim activist (that’s “evangelist” to you):

The real thing:

A riposte featuring two other world religions:

The Archbishop of Canterbury is evangelising in Jerusalem, where the pickings are mini and the temperatures maxi, so he takes a break and walks down the street, and there, by great good fortune, is Frank Sinatra with a refreshment stand and the Count Basie Orchestra. “Afternoon Frank,” he says, “can I have a raspberry ripple?” But Frank regretfully shakes his head and groans:

“You are here and so am I
Maybe millions of people go by
But they all disappear from view
Cos I only have ice for Jews.”

“But that’s absurd, you mumpsimus!” cries a first-generation Millenial^[1]First-generation Millenials came of age sitting up to see if the systems would crash on December 31, 1999. We now know that the systems did crash, giving birth to the second generation., “Count Basie never went to Israel!” An oversight on his part. Lenny Bruce:

Now I neologize Jewish and goyish. Dig: I’m Jewish. Count Basie’s Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor’s goyish. B’nai Brith is goyish; Hadassah, Jewish. Marine Corps—heavy goyim, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake’s cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish, and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes-goyish. Black cherry soda’s very Jewish. Macaroons are very Jewish—very Jewish cake. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jello is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won’t go near them. Jack Paar Show is very goyish. Underwear is definitely goyish. Balls are goyish. Titties are Jewish. Mouths are Jewish. All Italians are Jewish. Greeks are goyish—bad sauce. Eugene O’Neill—Jewish; Dylan Thomas—Jewish.

I don’t know if Lionel Richie ever did business in Bradford, but there’s a tribute night there next Saturday at the Great Victoria Hotel.

Similar posts

• She’s a bombshell from Brooklyn (and not from Brazil)
  Some Friday morning cheer from Dubin & Monaco in a recording by Xavier Cugat, one of Hitler’s more unlikely faves: Perhaps the
• Mis 25 canciones favoritas con kazoo / My top 25 kazoo songs
  Con Nathan, Captain Kazooz, Temple City Kazoo Orchestra, Toy Dolls, Provizorka Jazz Band, The Savoy Orpheans, Beat Farmers, Dionne Warwick, Susan
• Galician gastronomy for people with false teeth, cats and dogs: chack it out!
  From Don Colin and the Xunta de Galicia, some gruesome translation with the splendid tagline “Flavour Routes, chack them out!”: “Check them
• From Charles Trenet, two musical De Gaulle anecdotes
  Re the songs, L’âme des poètes and Douce
• My top 10 boxing songs
  All-star bill featuring Dan Mendoza aka the fighting Jew, manly Victorians, Joe Louis and the Dixieaires at the Battle of Jericho,