United Reform Church FC

There was a time for Diego but Alex doesn’t deserve quite as much. Maradona’s “auto”-bio is glorious stuff, and who cares if it’s true, but even the amanuensis must have struggled with Ferguson’s dreary monomania. My Autobiography is the one you definitely don’t want.

Jimmy the Stretford Porter suffered great glooms in the early Ferguson years, but Van Gaal and Giggs will put the latest interregnum to bed, thinks he, all on his tod. Sit back and enjoy: it will be Itchy & Scratchy in reality format, with Roy of the Ravers roaring away from a couple of rows back.

Van Gaal lost his fervent Catholic faith in the 90s when God showed no interest in his wife’s final torments, but if Man U doesn’t work out then may this splendid marshman be reborn as a neo-Anabaptist preacher in the mountain fastnesses of, say, Diggle.

There, that’s footie covered for another year.

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