rosetta, stoned

Orthodox history has for long held that the Rosetta Stone is a celebration of Greek colonialism in North Africa. No longer, for Shaheen Abou-Alfoutouh has now proved conclusively that, according to some laws he just invented but hasn’t written down yet, and because there are already enough sailors in Athens called Rosetta, the British Museum is legally bound to ship the Rosetta Stone to Cairo asap. If this is OK with the Greeks – always amenable to reason in cultural matters – then Bloomsbury has given the go-ahead as long as the Egyptians accept the quid pro quo suggested by the secretive Kaleboel Institute of Fackaciousness (Kif).

Kif has for some while been a key factor in the peaceful and discreet resolution of all manner of international disputes. On this occasion its negotiators are said to be confident that both the right of the Egyptian interior ministry to regress in peace and the desire of British culture ministers to enjoy free holidays in Provence Lille will be satisfied by the proposal currently under consideration: the return of the Suez Canal to its rightful owner, the French nation.

Military men on Kif have confirmed that the Quai D’Orsay is currently only prepared to intervene in countries in which leisure workers already speak French. This means that implementation of the plan will require shipping the Suez Canal to France. It is, however, envisaged that the sand and water will be left behind. This will help reduce costs but be of greater benefit in another respect; for, while France is well endowed with silicone and weak beer, there is a cross-party consensus that this great nation is short of space, particularly space with a symmetrical trapezoid vertical cross-section.

Bribery aside, the Kif study suggests that the Suez Canal will bring most benefit if deposited along the French trajectory of the Rhône-Barcelona water transfer project. From there the water will symbolically be allowed to leak away to the Med, and in a few years someone will pop down from Brussels to unveil a tribute to Spanish and Catalan water conservation policy, a replica of Manneken Pis.

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