Let’s be honest: Islam is worse than Britney Spears

I am Charlie, and so is my wife.

I am Charlie, and so is my wife. Image: Charlie Hebdo.

I’m not a big fan of Presbyterians (anagram check), but to their credit it’s more than 300 years since the Kirk had Thomas Aikenhead killed for speaking out of turn. What we need from the “moderate” Imam of Drancy is not condescending “tolerance” and “pardon” for all of our sodomites and Jewboys and funnymen, but that as an initial step he and his colleagues bring their flocks over to the Church of Scotland. Give ’em tax credits, whatever it takes. It’ll raise the price of pork, but in exchange we’ll hang on to the only thing that tides many of us through northern European winters: the thought of boobies bouncing in the breeze come spring.

The literature section of the Muslim Nobel laureates list contains two more names than I expected, but of course Orhan Pamuk doesn’t believe in God and Naguib Mahfouz was chopped up a bit by his brother Muslims for not being quite serious enough about it – what a silence! Nobel Peace Prizes don’t count, and Pakistan declared that their physicist was also not sufficiently religious. How long before the religion of a quarter of the world’s population is overtaken in the gong count by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

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  1. I must say, I do worry about that Lebanese-origin porn star whose hijab-themed video is doing the rounds at the moment. Heard about it on Buzzfeed.

    Charlie Hebdo: never my favourite publication. I was shown a copy years ago by a French colleague and couldn’t get my head around it. A liberal ‘satire’ whose satire consisted primarily of what appeared to be grotesque racial stereotypes. I figured that an excessively literal approach to things and a lack of more than A-level D French must have prevented me from getting it.

    Which is, of course, not to say that there’s any possible defence or justification for what happened yesterday. People see things that offend them every day. You don’t have to be a Muslim to know that. My neighbours’ new house offends pretty much all my sensibilities which are, I assure you, just as irrational as any religion.

    Anyway, it’s January and I’m down to one small glass of red per day, and I’m trying to avoid the news as much as possible. Because if nothing else gets us through, burying our heads in the sand (or boobies) will.

  2. I hope it consoles you to know that I was worried about you on Mia’s behalf. I hadn’t actually heard of her, though I’m aware of the whole hijab porn thing, which I suspect is dominated by Brazilian trannies. Iggy Azalea isn’t having it easy, either.


    You are now officially drinking less than a Punjabi shopkeeper. The Bengali mosque in the Raval used to be reasonably accessible and they might still let you in.

  3. Ugh, not NC. Awful man.

    His favourite game is to say that everything is very simple and if you don’t agree with him, you’re an apologist for fascism.

    Not unlike myself, which is probably why I can’t stand the old charlatan.

  4. Oh dear, who’s your complex guru of the month then?

    I thought NC, North Carolina. I talk sometimes to South, but North?

  5. I’m listening to a lot of Stephen Tobolowsky’s podcast. ‘Stories of life, love and the entertainment industry’. With the occasional brief foray into the Torah. And no politics. I’m down on politics at the moment.

    It’s a good podcast: an actor you might have seen in dozens of things, talking about his life. With episodes dedicated to (among other things) Groundhog Day, Deadwood (the TV series) and the Talking Heads.

    Happy new year, by the way.

  6. Yup, that definitely works with spag bol (I particularly like some of the pronunciation: Holloween). Can I recommend Prairie Home Companion when you finish?

    And a good one to your good self!

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