The Bible came from Catalonia

Following the post on evidence in Barcelona of the relationship between Saddam and Alkiedoodah, I have had several interesting conversations with The Right Reverend Dom Gelul. His work (and I paraphrase the jacket of a book by Kamal Salibi):

reveals startling linguistic evidence which controversially suggests that Judaism originated not in Palestine but in Catalonia.
While looking at a gazeteer of Catalan place names, he noticed a remarkable concentration of Biblical place names in an area 6km long by 2km wide – Barcelona. Ancient Catalan, like Arabic, was written without voles. Dom Gelul believes that scholars might have added the voles wrongly when standardizing texts, and so he went back to the original unvoled Old Testament in a way that will satisfy the Indymuddled crowd.
The geography of Palestine has never corresponded in any way to the apparently specific stories in the Bible. Dom Gelul’s research authenticates the events as history for the first time – but within a Catalan setting.
‘Dom Gelul presents his theory both confidently and with becoming modesty’ Country Life

Here follows a list of equivalents. I’ve left Jerusalem as a challenge for you; the first correct answer with name and address provided will receive a handpainted representation of a vole:

palestine barcelona
Mount Hermon Montjuïc
Damascus Probably the world-famous Bagdad sexclub on Nou de la Rambla, conversion facilities (currency) out on the road, reasonably priced rehearsal rooms for indie bands
Carmel Carmel
Samaria Sarrià
Bethel Badalona (via Indo-European, Betulone)
Jericho Unidentified silicosis suburb
Mareshah Maresme (same word pronounced morning after with dentures)
Gaza Rambla del Raval
Hebron Hebron
Sodom S.A. Damm beer factory
Gomorrah Goma 2 kinky rubber tyre shop
Beersheba Soweto Shebeen on Paral.lel
Brook of Egypt/Wadi el-Arish Riera Baixa
Zin Desert Poble Sec?
Aqaba Pidgin term for glass of fizzy sugar water, establishments selling same
Mount Sinai Tibidabo ((All this) I give to you (if, prostrating yourself, you adore me))

Ah, you will say, showing that the Old Testament took place in Barcelona isn’t enough. What about all those stories?

Well, I’ve got good news for you: Exodus is nothing more than a ridiculously exaggerated account of the ten plagues of the Baix Llobregat and the subsequent flight of Catalan nation from El Prat de Llobregat to Barcelona. The Catalans probably used sections of the coastal motorway finished by the previous administration and were fortunate enough to approach the Red River (of which more below) just as the first, doomed bridge was swung into place. Here’s a map of this holiest of treks:

Route taken by Moses and the Catalan people as they fled the King of Baix Llobregat

Now let’s take Exodus, plague by plague, using the Canadian Bible Society’s Good News Bible as the source of our summaries:

  1. Nile Turned to Blood
    Moses and Aaron, Moses spokesman, met the Pharaoh on the shore of the Nile River. Aaron had earlier turned his walking stick into a snake but the Kings magicians had been able to duplicate that. Moses told Pharaoh that he would show him Gods power.
    Aaron held his stick over the river and the water turned into blood. The fish all died and there was blood everywhere in Egypt where there should have been water. The kings magicians were able to duplicate the feat and Pharaoh refused Moses request.

    Pere Balañà i Abadia tells us in Els Noms de Lloc de Catalunya that Llobregat is derived from the Latin Rubricatu, “reddish river”. This probably does not refer to infestations of freshwater red algae (Rhodophyta), which I have only seen in smaller, higher streams, but to high mineral levels in the water. Some kind of geological activity upstream, perhaps caused by heavy rainfall, might have increased these sufficiently to finish off the fish.
  2. Frogs
    God told Moses: Go to the king and tell him that the Lord says, Let my people go, so that they can worship me. If you refuse, I will punish your country by covering it with frogs. (Ex.8: 1,2) So Aaron held his walking stick over the river and an abundance of frogs came out onto the land. They were everywhere, even in the palace. The magicians were able to repeat the trick but Pharaoh had to summon Moses and ask him to get rid of the frogs.
    Pharaoh promised to let the people go if Moses would ask his God to remove the frogs. The frogs were removed but the king changed his mind and refused to let Moses lead them out.

    The heavy rainfall which might tend to produce high iron concentrations would also lead to high numbers of amphibians – see for example the Diari de Girona story about our natterjack toad plague.
  3. Gnats
    Aaron struck the ground with his stick and all the dust of Egypt was turned into gnats. There were gnats everywhere and the magicians of Egypt could not duplicate it. The magicians told Pharaoh that God had done it but he refused to let the people go.

    This is where I cop out and hand over to NYC epidemiologist, John Marr, who has it all figured. Time to feed the cat and go to bed.

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  1. Jerusalem = dodgy Senegalese restaurant in the Born, Dar-e-salam? Though the mount was of couscous, not olives. And the rock of the dome heavily in my belly afterwards.

  2. Jerusalem in Holland is generally a shoarma bar. I once spent a week in one while the sheriff’s men hunted high and low but outside.

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